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Egghead Beta
Plotting as the head of his next scam.
Plotting as the head of his next scam.
Personal Details
  • YouTuber
  • Video Editor
  • X-Wing Lifter

None (atheist)

  • Physical Age: 23 (as of 11/7/16)
  • Mental Age: 3
Birth place

Canyon Trail




Dallas, Texas; USA


Getting tapped on the head.

Social Networking
Youtube channel





Colton Simpson

Physical attributes
Eye colour


Hair colour


— Egghead Beta's catchphrase.
Boner Alert!
— Attempting to seduce Rybi.
I bet DP Subreddit is blowing up right now!
— Egghead Beta whenever he does something cringey. So essentially all the time.

Not to be confused with The Egg Bitch.

Colton Payne Simpson (also known as Humpty Dumpty[1] and Scamhead[2]) is a YouTuber under the handle of Egghead Beta, only known for being a fan of the Drunken Peasants. He is a certified cunt who formerly described himself as a "filmmaker", YouTube personality, and Drunken Peasants Legend on his own Twitter.[3] He is the host of The Egghead Show and serves as an editor for Rybi Jenkins, FracSkul and some other fucks. He received his current name after he was mockingly dubbed "Egghead" by TJ due to his ovular shaped head, which he had since for whatever reason decided to embrace a serious branding decision. He formerly went under the handle of CrazyPayne93.

His history of submitting cringe-worthy questions, constant obnoxious appearances through Patreon, questionable fundraising campaigns, and just being who he is has made him the butt of many jokes. He likes to pretend he has a rivalry with The Vigilant Christian, but his greatest and only real antagonist is the Subreddit, who take a shit on him at any opportunity for the good of the entire fan community. Some fans think he is a nice guy, while many others think he's a complete and total piece of shit. Regardless of what most people feel about him, almost all fans find enjoyment in seeing him roasted on the show at every turn. Despite the teasing, Egghead always manages to pry his way back on the show, seeming to enjoy the taunts sent his way. As a result, Drunken Peasants scholars speculate he may have a form of Stockholm syndrome. PaulsEgo claims he has a cycle in the same way Brett Keane does.[4]


During episode 284, a supposed former friend of Egghead talked about some of his experiences with Egghead during filmschool.[5] He confirmed that Egghead was pretty sheltered and had all his expenses paid for him during film school and was seen in a negative light, though managed to sneak into the classes social circle regardless of being cringey as he is now. He went on to tell a story about how Egghead once ripped off a Simpsons episode to try and get a passing grade once in film school. He also talked about how Egghead is a total beta male that would do anything for a chick. He went on to list several more stories on how Egghead is a beta and essentially confirmed to have a cycle similar to Brett Keane's.

In the end, the peasants said they didn't know if it was legit or not, though it was sent by Evan Lefavor so it must be the truth. There was later a post on the DP Subreddit seemingly confirming the story by showing a picture of Egghead as part of their graduating class.[6]

On Egghead

On his channel, Egghead creates a large variety of content, with somehow none of it being actually good. He has produced videos on movies, food, news, unboxings, politics, and honestly pretty much whatever the Drunken Peasants discuss but from his cringey perspective. For a while, Egghead seemed to be turning into a clone of all other skeptic YouTubers, which he recently seems to have reignited. Although more than all that is content of Colton whining in the camera for people to feel bad for him, trying to extract some sympathy from a bunch of DP's fans who just want to laugh at him saying some catchphrases. These days, Egghead barely seems to have any time to create content outside of editing for Rybi or spending time in Discord, though what little content he makes is pretty indescribable and seems more akin to shitposting.

His channel was once also home of The Egghead Show, a Google Hangout (because Egghead has a phobia of OBS) hosted by him where he just shoots the shit with a bunch of other random (yet still more entertaining than him) losers, to talk about an assortment of topics or more often, nothing at all. It's only claim to fame is it's terrible, cringe-inducing intro. Every Monday there was intended to be a prerecorded episode of The Egghead Show in which he takes on some random prick, often someone related to whoever the peasants talk about because he's unoriginal. 90% of episodes relate to The Vigilant Christian. He once hosted it as The Egghead Hour, which never ended up lasting an hour. Following the controversy surrounding Egghead's fiancee, the show has been put on hiatus until further notice.

Egghead Saga

Egghead gets fisted at the 2016 New Orleans Meetup.
Main article: Egghead Saga

He made his debut during the FEMINISM FREE FOR ALL! during the Q&A, where he asked the peasants about how far society might be today if religion was never invented, the peasants said there are way too many variables to even know the answer, proving even his first appearance was posting a retarded question.[7] In the following year he proceeded to submit over thirty questions to the peasants during the history of his old channel, though only a small fraction of these were ever actually played. [8] He had also sent the peasants a few gifts during Fan Mail, including a copy of his father's newest western, Canyon Trail, widely regarded as the shittiest gift ever received on DP.

Egghead had since made several guest appearances on Drunken Peasants through Patreon donations and is likely part of the reason the full guest perk was eventually removed. Although he always had a reputation for being cringe-worthy in the fan community, it was only during his actual appearances as a guest that the fans fully began to see just how cringey he was. He became known for a bunch of unironic catchphrases and quirky bullshit that nobody in real life actually says, to many making him one of the most intolerable guests from Patreon to most fans. He was so terrible that there was a strike system introduced, where if Egghead obtained three cringe points he would forfeit his appearance on the show, to which he came dangerously close to several times.[9] He eventually lost his Patreon slot as he could no longer pay, which he attempted to blame on Rybi Jenkins taking his spot, despite her never being a patron.[10]

In late August, 2016, Egghead uploaded a video called "we need help..." in which he claimed he and his wife were going through financial troubles (stemming from legal payments) and needed help, so he set up a GoFundMe so people could donate to alleviate the burden. Many on the DP Subreddit, and apparently even Scotty, believed that the GoFundMe was nothing more than a scam Egghead was running to leech off Drunken Peasants fans. Egghead then streamed himself raging and crying over the incident, which was then deleted. In his rage, he claimed that he no longer wished to attend Episode 300 in Seattle. On September 1st, 2016, Egghead removed the GoFundMe and all references to it from his channel and on Twitter. This eventually led to a "debate" between Galen and Egghead on the situation during episode 275, which resulted in Egghead turning to obscurity in the community and not being mentioned for many episodes.[11]

The Drinking Contest

During the 24 Hour Special Egghead Beta (formerly Egghead) took part in a drinking contest between him and Egghead Alpha (formerly Egghead 2). The winner of the drinking contest was to be acknowledged by the Peasants as the greater of the Eggheads. He and Egghead Alpha both drank sake for the competition. Despite drinking weaker sake and drinking less of it, Egghead was extremely drunk after the contest where-as Egghead Alpha seemed mostly unaffected. He, of-course, lost the competition and was forced to give up the title 'Egghead', it being replaced by his current title 'Egghead Beta'. While drunk, Egghead Beta professed his love Rybi, claiming she was like a sister to him (presumably Egghead wants to fuck his sister/s) and he called Ben a cunt; Egghead Alpha cited this as evidence of his drunkness. After leaving the show, he wrote a few unintelligible messages on the Discord server before being put to bed by Eggtits.


Drunken Peasants

The peasants have changed their opinion on Egghead over time, initially they found him to be just an obnoxious fan who frequently sent them questions. Eventually when he became a patron guest they saw him as the pinnacle of all cringe to the extent of being a mem. Eventually their perspective shifted again when information came to light surrounding the GoFundMe scandal and they began to question his integrity, while not becoming openly hostile they would refrain from mentioning him or bringing him near the show for some time. Months later, they eventually brought him back on the show again and seemed to have some form of pity for him being as pathetic as he is, making them on neutral terms again. Ben personally now thinks higher of Egghead's girlfriend than him.[12]

Rybi Jenkins

Egghead was prominently mentioned during episode 267 and episode 268 to coincide with the recent guest appearance of Rybi Jenkins. The peasants poked fun at him for being a salty motherfucker when he claimed that she took his Patreon guest-slot, where he acted like a whiny bitch during episode 14 of The Egghead Show.[13] The peasants later mentioned the unrelated subscriber error he had on his channel. Scotty couldn't help but crack a smile at his misfortune and broke into a nasally cackle, with the peasants pointing out it makes zero sense for someone to net a thousand subscribers at once. Rybi, being too upbeat of a person to care, gave zero fucks and is still good friends with Egghead. His rage indirectly landed her a weekly position on the show reading the Crazy Craigslist Ads for a while. These days, Egghead actually serves as her editor and spends a ton of time in her Discord server for reasons.

Fan Community

The DP subreddit absolutely hates Egghead, as he is well aware and often would note on the show, which only further enflamed their hatred of his every appearance. During and after any show Egghead is on, the subreddit becomes full of posts by people claiming to hate Egghead. Some even calling for the death of Egghead, normally by hanging or burning at the stake. Other communities, such as the Discord Server, are less hostile towards him but still contain a good amount of detractors who like to poke fun at him whenever he appears in the chatroom and often call him a scam artist. The community manager, Drunken Fancy, was once friends with Egghead but now has a mixed opinion on him. He was actually the first guest on The Egghead Show Live, though he has described it as the worst decision of his career, even worse than Carlton Banks.
Egghead embraces the mem.


Egghead's relationship with his girlfriend is similar to Steve Shives' relationship with his. He's willing to scam people out of money to support her and overlooks her tapping a child on the head. Despite this, Egghead seems to be more sexually attracted to Rybi Jenkins, probably cuz Eggtits is fucking FAAAAAAAAAAAAT.


— Egghead while on DP.
I just wanna beat some fucking kids right now.
— Egghead during episode 343.[14]
At least I didn't fucking cry!
— The most hilarious Egghead quote looking back.[15]
We've all got problems. I mean I was born with an egg shaped head.
— -Cringe-[16]
Mid-90's fucking Kevin Nash... fuck you!
— Egghead invokes one of DP's mems improperly during episode 215.[17]
Please leave a message after the beep... also Fireball Z!
— Egghead being a mem machine on episode 215.
He wanted me to say "EGGHEAD SHOW" so I did it!
— Egghead during episode 260.[18]
The person I'm practically sleeping with!
— Egghead talking about his girlfriend on episode 275.[19]
— Egghead channeling the feelings of other fan's when he appears.
It turns out that Rey is trans and she will have a mechanical dick.
— Egghead's take on Star Wars. [20]
Ben with Egghead.
Rybi I'm checking your friggin subscription count. I see your plan all along, you want to surpass me in subscribers. What are you doing now, lady? Jesus Christ, you're about to surpass me. This was your fucking plan all along. I knew it. I knew there was something off ya.
— During episode 14 of The Egghead Show.[21]
Egghead's gonna get boiled.
— During episode 17 of The Egghead Show.[22]

Quotes on Egghead

Back when we were in college, we were the best of friends. We went our separate ways and I forgot what he was about.. but then.

I found out at some point, that his life hit the skids. Now he's dating a butter troll that slaps up on some kids.

What happened to Egghead?
— Paul's song about Egghead.[23]
I'm going to jerk off on your corpse.
— TJ during episode 255.[24]
We could lift up a whole X-wing!
— PaulsEgo on episode 255[25]
Da Final Jesus! I am Egghead and I really suck! I am Egghead, please shoot my in my head, until I'm deaaaad ♪
— TJ's impression of Egghead to the tune of Brett Keane's theme song.[26]
Scotty: The Egghead Show!
Ben: The Egghead SHOW!
Episode 267[27]
Scotty: The TJ and EGGHEAD Show!
TJ: Uh, no.
— The peasants during episode 268.
Egghead, you're the star of our new segment, Cringe Corner! Whoever goes the longest without cringing at Egghead wins!
— TJ's nigh-impossible challenge for audience.[28]
Release the yolk upon the peasants!
— PaulsEgo's impression of Egghead turning to the dark side.[29]
Egghead is such a pussy.
— PaulsEgo during episode 344[30]


  • He was tapped on the head as a kid.
  • Egghead has attempted to hijack the Pokémon Hotline. No seriously, he tried to steal the segment and use it on his own show.
  • Kraut and Tea once went on The Egghead Show to troll Egghead.
  • Egghead has mentioned several times that TJ's nickname for him during his first appearance was Humpty Dumpty.[31]
  • Scotty believes all his subscribers are from pity.
  • Egghead mentions Kenyan Trail at every opportunity.
  • TJ and Paul have both been on THE EGGHEAD SHOW! TJ was extremely uncomfortable and left as soon as he can, leaving Paul to deal with Egghead.
  • He has done an interview with GirlDoesRant.
  • Galen has compared his fans to a rotten egg carton.[32]
  • TJ compared him to Windows 10, something nobody asked for.
  • He's made some appearances on The Pimpmunk Show.
  • During episode 215, Egghead attempted to steal Ben's soundboard gimmick.[33]
  • He suggested a shirt about himself, but TJ said it was garbage.
  • He does an alright No Troo Scotsman, but it's still pretty cringe.
  • Rumor has it that he enjoys hentai. This is not a rumor.
  • Egghead is the kind of dude who tries to hit the bong, but just ends up coughing back into it and blows water into the weed.
    In a nutshell
  • Egghead offered a proposal that he would shove a hot pepper down his narrow urethra if he hit 1,000 subscribers by the end of August.
  • It is not known exactly which type of egg Egghead's head is made of. It cannot be a human egg, as those come far too close to vagina than anything associated with the Drunken Peasants ever could be. TJ claims he is a shit egg,
  • He has asked TJ to claim his virginity.[34]
  • Paul expressed his grievances with Egghead on Periscope.[35]
  • On June 24 2015's episode, Egghead asks the peasants what they will do on their summer vacation. Scotty responds with "SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK & ROLL!".
  • Egghead once asked if the peasants believe there would ever be world peace, with the second question regarding if TJ would fuck a banana with hot sauce on it, the peasants said no to both questions.
  • Egghead has said he wants to do Star Wars roleplay with his fiancee, Eggtits, however, she refuses to do it.
  • Even Brett Keane has taken shots at him.[36]
  • Egghead was shown at the beginning of Episode 271 getting slapped by his sister. iMustDestroyAll, a fucking terrible YouTuber, kept interrupting and thus we could not see him get slapped the first time, THANKS, ASSHOLE. Other than that hiccup, Egghead being slapped over and over was a sight to behold.
  • During episode 300, it was mentioned he shared a name with the original concept for Elmer Fudd.
  • Drunk Egghead called Ben a cunt on the 24 hour show.
  • This article has been featured twice during the Information Segment on Episode 255 and Episode 260.
  • He's taken multiple Brett Keane-like breaks from social media in the past, most recently he took a break from Discord for a grand total of 5 minutes (seriously, announcement made and all).