|Scotty seen during the 2016 Toledo meetup. Photography by Aerial.|
Unknown (possibly Pasadena), California
Sucking the fun and enjoyment out of every episode he crawls onto.
I am fucking awesome! (Inactive)
"CHEEJAY!"— Scotty's catchphrase.
"You are a landlocked manatee."
Scotty Kirk is TJ's younger brother, the most attractive peasant, and the unbridled rage of the podcast incarnate known rightfully as Kaiser Scotty. He is a co-host of Drunken Peasants alongside Ben, TJ and Paul. He primarily contributes to the podcast through passionate, nasally rants and displaying the most raw sex appeal of anyone on the podcast. Scotty also frequently bickers with his brother live on the show which leads to amusing arguments. Scotty's dedicated fans hold their kaiser on a podium for his no bullshit attitude and outward bursts of concentrated anger on the podcast. Initially brought on as a guest of the show in the first few episodes, he eventually became a mainstay and a proper host, often appearing while not on espionage missions in Canada.
Initially just a guest on the show, Scotty has become a mainstay when not off vacationing in the north. Scotty is essentially the eye candy of the podcast and doesn't contribute to anything intellectually. Many fans despise Scotty and his unappealing bitch attitude, often rejoicing whenever he doesn't appear. Other fans take their obsession with the Kaiser to the next level, breaking out in riot when their adenoidal overlord isn't present. Scotty has established a fierce hatred of both the United Kingdom and Canada, the latter of which Scotty often goes to on "vacation" secretly for acts of espionage.
Scotty often likes to make fun of other people's voice, there is a near 99% chance that this is just projection. Scotty is also notable for his iconic cargo shorts, which he can be seen wearing at all times, even when it's frigid as fuck outside. Another one of Scotty's most notable traits recognized by the DP community is his outspoken distaste towards eggs. TJ once described Scotty's personality as clashing with his own, though they get along much more than they used to.
"Fuck you, TJ. You piece of shit."— Scotty's yearbook quote.
Scotty grew up alongside his older brother TJ in Pandeville, Louisiana, from an early age it was clear to everybody that Scotty was destined to become the future Kaiser of Drunken Peasants. He adopted many suspiciously Canadian ideologies that cultivated his interest in their international affairs. TJ and Scotty eventually both settled in Columbus, Ohio to which Scotty quickly took control over the city and instated himself as Kaiser. The two later met Ben through their mutual friend Holly and subsequently formed the Drunken Peasants. Since having become a regular, Scotty has recently appeared more often on The Amazing Atheist channel with TJ (usually in the form of juicy cameos to give a nod to the podcast).
Scotty had his own channel titled I am fucking awesome (originally called ThusSprachScotty) that included rants wherein he tries (and fails) to imitate the style of TJ' videos. The channel currently has six and half thousand subscribers, no doubt due to his brother's popularity. There hasn't been an upload since July 2012, it's likely that he will never upload a video in the future as Scotty has mentioned that the channel is dead on the podcast. Despite that, at the time of writing, he still has more subscribers than Brett Keane does, at least on the channels he shows his subscriber count on. A fan once sent in a question to the Q&A segment asking Scotty why he didn't upload on the channel anymore. Scotty refused to answer. It is suspected that Zack Knight has snipers watching his family at all times that will shoot her if he ever posts on that channel.
On TJ Kirk
Scotty has only made a few appearances on TJ's channel, some on camera, others voice-only. He has notably appeared in the documentary about TJ's life entitled Amazing, as well as BRICKS 2. His appearances on TJ's channels have notably increased since becoming a co-host on the Drunken Peasants. Scotty and TJ also once tried to collaborate on a gaming channel that was eventually abandoned entitled, TJPlaysItAll. Scotty is still largely involved in the background production of TJ's videos, being credited in the description of all his new videos. He is sometimes shown to serve the role of cameraman, but it has also been mentioned that Scotty helps TJ with writing and has sometimes convinced TJ to abstain from going too out there. In addition, Scotty has appeared on his brother's vlog channel, TJDoesLife.
On Drunken Peasants
Scotty was originally intended to be a recurring guest on the show, he has since then become a mainstay and an official host (and a de-facto object of moral revulsion among everybody). Unlike Paul's Ego, Scotty did not have to be fisted by TJ in order to gain his position, as such Scotty may make absences every now and then. Scotty only shows up when he feels like bashing Canadians live on air, which is a contributing factor to the intro saying "The Drunken Peasants Podcast with Ben & TJ, featuring Scotty".
#ScottyForKaiser is a long-running movement dedicated to ensure the Drunken Peasants acknowledge Scotty as their true Kaiser and give him proper credit. The movement first arose when a Reddit user discovered an ancient tablet written by Kaiser Wilhelm to make Scotty his heir. This tablet was later discovered by Ben and TJ who promptly destroyed it to prevent Scotty from ever claiming his rightful throne as Kaiser of DP. Fortunately, a copy existed which, upon being discovered by the fabled Reddit user, was leaked online to the world. Soon thousands of people protested, much to the dismay of Ben and TJ who continuously ignore the oncoming storm that shall end with Scotty becoming the Kaiser he truly is.
One of Scotty's most iconic moments on all of Drunken Peasants was when he screamed, "YOU'RE FUCKING GARBAGE, TJ!". Scotty's true yet harsh words left TJ crying about how he just wanted to be liked, with Scotty berating his fat ass even more just to pour salt in the wound. This has become a popular phrase among DP community and is even featured in the intro. While high on pan, Scotty said he thinks America should take over Canada because of people on reddit saying that Canada is better than America. TJ claims Scotty came up with an entire war plan for the invasion. After sobering up, Scotty apologized for saying that Canada should be taken over by the US. He clarified his belief, saying that Canada "should be transformed into a nuclear wasteland" with "the biggest firework show since Hiroshima".
Scotty isn't afraid to tread on controversial and dark topics, having the biggest sack compared of any of the peasants. While critiquing a video in which a child throws a tantrum in response to his mother's atheism, Scotty exclaimed that the child "should be beaten senseless with a blunt object". He also said that "if I got my hands on [the child], I'd make sure his skin wasn't the same color coming out of the car as it was when he went in". He also voiced his support for child rape and infanticide. On June 17th, Scotty's brother TJ revealed that they have 1/36 Canadian ancestry. Scotty subsequently declared that Canada go to war with America, though he reverted to his original hatred of Canada after discovering the test TJ took to was merely a fraud. Scotty can still be found on the occasional espionage mission to Canada to this day, often in the form of sampling various forms of pan and poutine at the same time.
Vs. Brett Keane
Scotty has developed a growing hatred and agitation of Brett Keane over the show's history, even more so than his fellow hosts. Where Ben and TJ are either bored to tears or amused to the point of verbal orgasm by the continued antics of Brett Keane, Scotty often breaks out into an angry and frankly detailed rant, merely by having to see Keane's fat and ugly mug on the screen for too long. This hatred came to a boiling point during episode 164, after which BeyondPhere commented his hatred of Keane was so intense that she couldn't possibly outdo him. Keane in turn has frequently accused Scotty of living in his brother's shadow, which eventually resulted in Scotty breaking into a massive rant about Brett's failures during episode 290 and concluding that he actually lives in the shadow of all the Drunken Peasants as nothing more than a laughing stock.
Hookers and Ice Cream
Hookers and Ice Cream is an ambiguous term used typically by Scotty as a reference to hedonistic, worldly vices. It is occasionally offered as a reward for anyone willing to swear allegiance to the IllumiScotty, such as Mario. Hookers and Ice Cream juxtaposes hookers, a culturally taboo group of individuals, with a benign frosty treat. Hookers are people who get paid to take it in the butt. Hookers and Ice Cream are crucial components of traditional Kenyanist human sacrifice rituals.
Main article: Illuminati
Following his success on the podcast, Scoopy has become the leader of the Illuminati. The Illuminati is a non-profit charity that Scotty uses to embezzle funds for hookers and ice cream. The only threat to his plan is that meddling Canadian. Scotty used his position of power to launch #BanTJ. Shortly after his rise to power, the organization was renamed to the IllumiScotty in his honor.
The Egg Bitch
Scotty eventually decided that being the Kaiser of DP alone was not a prestigious enough title for his glory. Scotty's fierce hatred of Eggs and title as The Egg Bitch has become a popular Drunken Peasants mem, originating from a segment of the Amazing Atheist video, EGGS. The clip involves Scotty proclaiming that he must have more eggs, which has since been remixed many times over by fans of the show. The mem gained such traction that fans asked the peasants about a possible sequel to Bricks 2. Eggs 2 itself was an Amazing Atheist video shrouded in mystery for many years.The peasants had talked about a sequel to Bricks 2 since the podcast began back during 2014, with hype reaching an all-time high in late 2015. Eggs 2 finally premiered on May 17th 2016 in the form of a strange experimental art piece, made during PaulsEgo's visit to Columbus, Ohio. The video involved TJ's sexual connection to chocolate donuts, Paul being a fat piece of shit, and more. One of their Patreon milestones involves forcing Scotty to eat an egg at the goal of 9,000 dollars monthly. TJ has said he will prepare the egg for Scotty personally.
The Drunken Wager
Sometime during 2016, Scotty and TJ entered into an off-screen five hundred dollar bet (later increased up to one-thousand) over who would win the presidency between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. TJ placed his bets on Trump, while Scotty placed his on Clinton. The two got into heated arguments for many months about Trump's chance of winning, Scotty's taunting of TJ increased substantially following Trump's "grab em' by the pussy!" scandal and reached a boiling point on election night, where all the peasants except for TJ believed Hillary had the election in the bag during the first half of episode 295. The peasants eventually came to the acceptance that Trump was winning key states throughout the night, much to everyone's surprise the show concluded with Trump as the president-elect, leading the almighty Kaiser to pay TJ his rightful wad of cash while cursing Clinton's incompetence and very existence.
Paul tried to spice up the bet with his own "Pageboy TJ" wager during episode 242, though TJ declined it. The bet would mean that if Trump wins that Paul has to get a pink mohawk, but if Hillary wins then TJ has to return to his old bowl-cut days. Paul's deal was ultimately rejected. Scotty also once offered to double the bet as a joke at one point, though TJ refused it as nobody expected Trump to actually win at that point.
QuotesMain article: Quotes by Scotty Kirk
- TJ: Imagine Brett Keane with whipped cream on his nipples, rubbing his man tits in your face
- Scotty: I would attack him and try to kill him.
"You just put up a video of a popular song. You don't deserve kudos for that. You don't deserve someone to suck your dick. You're a moron... but that's neither here nor there."— Scotty on his channel
"The only thing that can save this podcast is me."
"Ban TJ! Ban TJ!"— Scoopy manipulating the fans.
"I think he's going to jump into a volcano."
"Here's the shot for cheejay. Light a candle for the sinner, set the world on fucking fire, take this fucking shot and shut the fuck up."— Drunk Scotty 
- He's objectively the best peasant.
- He says "TJ" more than a Pokemon says it's own name. When angry, this turns into "Cheejay".
- On one of the earlier episodes of Drunken Peasants while Scotty had to take a piss, TJ told the chat room to to start calling him Scoopy instead.
- Scotty's distaste of Keane may only be matched by Pauls Ego.
- During episode 254, Brett Keane claimed that he's never had an original thought.
- He once referred to Cult of Dusty as "Busty Smith", telling you everything you need to know about his style of humor.
- During the Q&A on episode 99, a fan brought to the world's attention that Scotty sounds like a duck.
- Scotty purchased the wrong Kingston Charcoal for the Drunken Peasants Cookout. Much to TJ's and Yujiro's disappointments, Grendel could not be roasted alive with Scotty's pussy-ass bitch fuel. Scotty is really a pathetic turd of person.
- Scotty grew up with TJ in Pandeville, Louisiana, before attending a Hitler Youth School in Munich, Germany.
- He is against tobacco smoking, which TJ criticized him for.
- Most people agree that Scotty sounds like a duck.
- He masturbates to Starship Troopers
5 6too many times to count a day.
- The Baby Rape Act of 2015 is a piece of legislation proposed to the U.S. Congress by Representative Scott Kirk from the state of Ohio. It is a mandate on infant rape. Hillary Clinton and Rand Paul debated about who could pass the bill quicker. It was mentioned in the April 2015 private show.
- Scoopy has a deviated septum, explaining his nasally-ass voice.
- In Episode 88, TJ claimed that he is at best recycling materials, but in fact Ryan Wiley is garbage.
- Scotty claimed he would kick The UnFunny Comedian's ass if he tried to suck him off. That may seem like Scotty rejecting UnFunny's sexual advances, but it's actually just how Scotty swings in the bedroom.
- Scotty and Paul got into a drinking contest during the private show for April of 2016. Paul ultimately won, which Scotty played up to Paul's body mass.
- He is also known to brutally bludgeon all-vegetarian pizzas.
- Scotty is referred to by Wikitubia as "the attractive brother that gains views on their other channel, The Drunken Peasants Podcast." No arguments. None.
- Scotty revealed in a HighPothesis episode that he has ADHD, in hindsight this seems obvious.
- Scotty once had pink hair, which can be seen in one of TJ's old videos, Karate Kid: Worst Movie Ever?.
Scotty on episode 28.
Scotty jerking some imaginary dicks in London.
Only Vagina Power can truly make sense of this dubiously-timed GIF capture.
The Hard-Truth Situation