Pat Robertson

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Emperor PalPatine
Emperor Robertson.jpg
Personal Details
Profession
  • Con-Artist
  • Lumbering corpse
  • Televangelist
  • Failed Republican Presidential Candidate
Religion

Christianity

Political party

Republican Party

Education
  • Washington and Lee University
  • Yale Law School
Awards
  • The Distinguished Merit Citation
  • Faith and Freedom Award
  • Department of Justice Award
  • National Conference of Christians and Jews
  • Humanitarian of the Year
  • Man of the Year Award
  • Citation from the National Organization for the Advancement of Hispanics
  • National Association of United Methodist Evangelists
  • Man of the Year
  • Christian Broadcaster of the Year
  • One of America's 100 Cultural Elite
  • Omega Fellowship Award by Food for the Hungry
  • Defender of Israel Award from the Christians' Israel Public Action Campaign
  • John Connor Humanitarian Service Award
  • Cross of Nails
  • Yale University Most Distinguished Alumnus
Age
  • 87 (legally)
  • 666 (actually)
Birth date

March 22, 1930

Birth place

Lexington, Virginia

Spouse

Adelia Elmer

Children
  • Timothy Bryan Robertson
  • Elizabeth Faith Robertson
  • Gordon Perry Robertson
  • Anne Carter Robertson
Nationality

MERICAN

Residence

Some cryo-sleep chamber

Status

Wasting away being such a little shit

Social Networking
Youtube channel

None (thank god)

Physical attributes
Eye colour

As blue as the eyes of Aryans

Hair colour

Vapid, shallow, and Grey. Like his personality.

"
What is this "Mac & Cheese"? Is that a black thing?
"
— Pat Robertson[1]

Pat Robertson is an conservative American televangelist and media mogul, known for his outlandish views on homosexuals (and pretty much everything in general), and converting Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker to the dark side. He is about 120 years old, but hasn't progressed mentally beyond the age of nine. It is unknown if he is a zombie, a demon, a vampire, or a chimp or all. He believes that natural disasters are God's intention and that Halloween is Satanic tool of the occult. He openly admits the Bible is sexist, though he supports it whole-cloth regardless.[2]

Pat Robertson actually ran for president in 1988 and his campaign ended in shambles. After his run for office, he has yet to return to a formal role in any church. Despite being a conservative dumbass in almost all regards, he has actually called for legal recreational cannabis several times,[3] openly accepts evolution,[4] and has supported some environmental causes in the past.[5]

On Drunken Peasants

His bullshit has been featured on the show many times as his show, The 700 Club, somehow maintains a viewer base. TJ also made a video about him on January 14, 2010 on his Amazing Atheist channel.

Episode 48

During episode 48, the peasants played a video in which Pat Robertson talks about how radical homosexuals are taking root in the United States and Pat goes on to tell a story of some humble Christians that were fucked to death by a band of militant heathens that would probably drink their father's sperm. TJ suggested that Pat should have some applesauce, watch some television, and get the fuck off TV himself because he can barely formulate a coherent sentence, never mind hold the attention of anyone below the age of seventy.

Vegetable addiction

"
Why would you become a slave to a vegetable? Why? Why would you do it?
"
— Why do people eat vegetables? Why??

Pat Robertson said on March 2, 2015 that people who smoked marijuana, used cocaine or consumed alcohol had been enslaved by vegetables. [6]

"
Your slavery to vegetables, he can set you free,
"
— Yeah, if you pay pray hard enough you can be free from those pesky vegetables

By the way, the United States Department of Agriculture officially classifies cannabis as “herb”.

A confession of an vegetable survivor

"
It all started with my parents. At the time I was conceived they were already both addicts. So I was a crack vegetable baby. And since I was born they forced me to eat vegetables like cabbage and broccoli...After years of forced feeding, they made me an addict too and I've hated them for it... After I've moved away from them my addiction got worse. I had to sell my car, my furniture, my tv and every other valuable stuff in my home just to get my daily fix. After there was nothing left sell, I had to crawl and beg for money just to get some vegetables...I even ended up giving blowjobs in alleyways for strangers for a few carrots and potatoes...I was really messed up back then. But one day I've realized that I need expert help. After a long vegetable rehabilitation with a heavy treatment of bacon and fat through intravenous therapy I was able to overcome my addiction. Thanks to Man v. Food and Epic Meal Time I can know live a happy and vegetable less life!
"
— An ex-vegetable addict

Quotes

"
You are a slave to pan. But God can help you break free from your addiction.
"
— Pat Robertson, to TJ
"
It may be a blessing in disguise...Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.
"
— On the earthquake in Haiti
"
Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
"
— Welp, the truth about feminism came out of an old fart

Trivia

  • It is speculated that when he is not on TV, he is kept frozen to preserve what little life he has left.
  • The poor woman that let him fuck her is in serious regret that she ever did the sex with him.
  • This fuck managed to serve in the military at one point.
  • His favorite drank is IIIIIIICCCCCEEEEEDDD TTTTEEEEAAA, like a good southern boy.
  • Doesn't know what the fuck macaroni is.

Books this fuck managed to write

  • Right on the Money
  • Miracles Can Be Yours Today
  • Courting Disaster
  • The Ten Offenses
  • Bring It On
  • Six Steps to Spiritual Revival
  • The End of the Age
  • The Turning Tide
  • The New World Order
  • The New Millennium
  • The Plan
  • America’s Dates with Destiny
  • Answers to 200 of Life's Most Probing Questions
  • How Miracles can Change your Life
  • The Secret Kingdom
  • Maximum Security
  • My Prayer For You
  • Shout it from the Housetops

Appearances

This list is incomplete.

Gallery

References

  1. https://youtu.be/_yFsMPRzXsI?t=2m18s
  2. https://youtu.be/8PT7ruIFIqg?t=2h2m30s
  3. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/08/us/pat-robertson-backs-legalizing-marijuana.html
  4. http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2014/0206/Pat-Robertson-rejects-young-earth-creationism.-Nonsense-he-says.-video
  5. https://web.archive.org/web/20081211155027/http://www.wecansolveit.org/page/s/unlikelyalliance?source=Ad.com&subsource=SharptonandRobertson728X90
  6. https://youtu.be/0ZHIg9TETAU