|Plotting as the head of his next scam.|
Physical Age: 22 (Learned From Episode 255. Could be 23 now depending on when his birthday is.) Mental Age: 3
Sending DP mail
The EGGHEAD Show.— Egghead's catchphrase.
I bet DP Subreddit is blowing up right now!— Egghead whenever he does something cringey. So essentially all the time.
Not to be confused with The Egg Bitch.
Colton Payne Simpson (also known as Egghead the Humorless, Former Cringelord of the Dead Airspace, and Scamhead) is a variety YouTuber most known well for being a fan of the Drunken Peasants. He is a certified cunt who describes himself as a "filmmaker", YouTube personality, and Drunken Peasants Legend on his own Twitter. He is the host of The Egghead Show and serves as an editor for Rybi Jenkins.
He was not-so-endearingly dubbed "Egghead" by TJ due to his ovular-shaped head, this in combination with his cringe-levels make him the butt of many jokes. He has a rivalry with both the The Vigilant Christian and DP Subreddit, he lost the latter conflict before it even began. Some people hate him, some people think he's a genuinely nice dude. Regardless, almost everyone enjoys seeing him roasted on the show. PaulsEgo claims he has a cycle in the same way Brett Keane does.
- 1 History
- 2 On Drunken Peasants
- 3 Patron Appearances
- 4 New Orleans Meetup
- 5 GoFundMe Scandal
- 6 Eggsposed
- 7 Vs. Hallcyon
- 8 Egghead Returns
- 9 Feuds
- 10 Quotes
- 11 Quotes on Egghead
- 12 Trivia
- 13 Gallery
- 14 Appearances
- 15 References
During episode 284, a supposed former friend of Egghead talked about some of his experiences with Egghead during filmschool. He confirmed that Egghead was pretty sheltered and had all his expenses paid for him during film school and was seen in a negative light, though managed to sneak into the classes social circle regardless of being cringey as he is now. He went on to tell a story about how Egghead once ripped off a Simpsons episode to try and get a passing grade once in film school. He also talked about how Egghead is a total beta male that would do anything for a chick. He went on to list several more stories on how Egghead is a beta and essentially confirmed to have a cycle similar to Brett Keane's.
In the end, the peasants said they didn't know if it was legit or not, though it was sent by Evan Lefavor so it must be the truth. There was later a post on the DP Subreddit seemingly confirming the story by showing a picture of Egghead as part of their graduating class.
On Drunken Peasants
I just wanna beat some fucking kids right now.
Egghead has mentioned several times that TJ's nickname for him during his first appearance was Humpty Dumpty. Prior to appearing on the show, he has actually sent the peasants like twenty fucking questions over the years for the old Q&A, though not all of them have been played on the segment. He has further sent the peasants a few gifts during fan mail, including a copy of his father's newest western, Canyon Trail, widely regarded as the shittiest gift ever received on DP. Egghead has since made several guest appearances on Drunken Peasants through Patreon donations.
Despite the teasing, Egghead always manages to pry his way back on the show, seeming to enjoy the taunts sent his way. As a result, Drunken Peasants scholars speculate he may have a form of Stockholm syndrome.
On February 25th, 2016, Egghead finally became a $100 patron and made his grand appearance during episode 215. His appearance was overshadowed by the mildly-intoxicated Jim Ass. At some point Egghead later tries to be serious, edgy, and badass. TJ comments that the angrier he tries to sound, the more comical it becomes.
He was incredibly awkward throughout the show, many fans grew to despise his outbursts and crappy wordplay. He improperly invoked mems and derailed the conversation several times to discuss his family's shitty movie. The peasants gave him no voting rights for Troll or Not a Troll, as they suspect Egghead's very existence to be trolling by a greater power. The peasants thought they could make a shirt of Egghead and Shirt Guy in a death battle over who is the superior fanboy of Drunken Peasants. Ben further asked Egghead why he has a raging boner for Vigilant Christian, to which Egghead answered it was his dreamy eyelashes. Egghead later speculated Sanders would shred Trump in the upcoming election, his intuition is astounding.
Egghead made a guest reappearance for episode 230, it just as, if not more cringe-worthy than his prior appearances. The cringe-levels actually reversed into somewhat entertaining levels, so the appearance was of some marginal value. He snuck his way onto the show about thirty minutes in, to which Scotty quickly accosted him for being a secret Cruz supporter and reptilian. Ben began to question Egghead why he makes to many fucking videos about The Vigilant Christian and suspects Egghead to have a crush on him. Egghead likely masturbated vigorously to TVC after the show. He later posted another four videos about him within the next week.
Egghead returned for episode 242, alongside Pimpmunk who vastly overshadowed him. Egghead was immediately called out on his family's lousy western film, which the peasants loved ironically. The peasants also demanded that he bring some dude named Stormy onto the show, or be sacrificed to a very hungry manatee. Egghead was clearly wasted an began talking about one time he was an extra in some movie nobody has ever heard of, TJ further suggested that anyone featured in the movie should be executed without exceptions. At some point, the peasants had to turn his camera off because they found him unbearable and his cringiness was using up all the resources on Ben's PC.
A forth appearance was made during episode 255, in which his own article from this wiki was read aloud by the peasants for the Information Segment. He also boasted about his upcoming visit to the New Orleans Drunken Peasants meetup throughout the show. Egghead later tweeted out that he wouldn't be able to make the meetup and had to return to being a $5 patron, thus making him Shithead and a major pleb. When tweeting out a poll asking DP fans their thoughts on Twitter, a majority of votes told him to never come back. He included a third option for him to commit ritual suicide by shoving a cactus up his virgin anus.
He made perhaps his worst appearance on episode 260. His article was read for the information segment yet again. For this episode, the peasants had to keep him on a tight leash, re-introducing the three strike rule in preparation for his appearance. Egghead had to keep his cringiness at a minimum as a result, but that didn't prevent him from putting forward a display comparable to the cringe-levels of Bernie Sanders' endorsement of Hillary Clinton. He also got super salty because our article was read again, now featuring X-WINGS! A fan volunteered to rape Egghead if TJ would pay him the airfare.After Egghead stopped talking for a while, Paul asked why he wasn't talking at all. This resulted in the peasants getting into a huge situation in which Egghead earned his third and fourth strike. They booted him off the show because he complained the DP Subreddit would write mean things about him. Paul explained that it was all for fun, but when Egghead wouldn't shut up they kicked him off. Paul eventually felt bad and brought Egghead back, who quickly earned a fifth strike. TJ began to sew his dark thoughts in the mind of Egghead and questioned him constantly. Paul called out the questions as being a bit overboard, but Egghead was so cringe it was difficult to defend him. The other peasants compared TJ's scheming to Pennywise. Egghead then ranted about X-WINGS or some shit, concluding with an attack on Brett Keane's family.
New Orleans Meetup
Egghead managed to make his way to the New Orleans meetup, flying his way there from the humble buttfuck state of Texas. He made a few videos talking about it on his channel and talked about it a ton during his hangouts. Egghead expressed over Twitter that he had an awesome time, meeting YouTubers he admired like TJ, Paul, Dusty, and Pimpmunk. Despite this, TJ mentioned on Twitter that Egghead actually didn't have a chance to stay for long, and pussied out about an hour into the meetup without even a consideration to lose his anal virginity to a DP fan. Egghead was presumably fisted up the ass by TJ, posting visual evidence on Twitter. He spent the whole time trying to self-promote himself and avoiding any cannabis.
In late August, 2016, Egghead uploaded a video called "we need help..." in which he claimed he and his wife were going through financial troubles (stemming from legal payments) and needed help, so he set up a GoFundMe so people could donate to alleviate the burden.
Many on the DP Subreddit, and apparently even Scotty, believed that the GoFundMe was nothing more than a scam Egghead was running to leech off Drunken Peasants fans. Egghead then streamed himself raging and crying over the incident, which was then deleted. In his rage, he claimed that he no longer wished to attend Episode 300 in Seattle. On September 1st, 2016, Egghead removed the GoFundMe and all references to it from his channel and on Twitter.
Egghead made another appearance early into Episode 274 where he cried on camera. Egghead was pissed that everyone thought his GoFundMe was a scam. While Egghead wasn't scamming anyone, the peasants claimed he was not being forthright and transparent and that led to suspicion among his audience. Scotty had once claimed that the whole scam, but later claimed he meant it in a more nuanced way and should have chosen different wording. Regardless, the peasants revealed that there is legal evidence showing that his fiancee went to jail for child abuse. When trying to explain this himself, he claimed she merely tapped the kid on the head.
Oh and we can't forget, X-WINGS, GUYS.
Egghead "debated" Galen in episode 275. Egghead got utterly rekt by Galen and was obviously on the verge of tears. It was either awesome or fucked up, depending on who you are. Egghead was offline for about 4 days, during which many believed that he had killed himself. Not even a minute into giving his side of the story, he threw Rybi under the bus by relating her heavily with his GoFundMe. Galen was overall pretty pompous and raked Egghead against the coals during the whole show, though at least some of it was pretty justified considering his actions. Overall, Egghead made a fool of himself and wasn't even able to muster a defense, with Paul doing a better job of trying to give him a fair shake than he was able to help himself.
He eventually decided to resume his Egghead Show bullshit, but hasn't come on DP ever since and is regarded largely as a joke.
Egghead returned for episode 343 for no apparently clear reason other than for the peasants to mock him for all the drama that happened the year prior. The peasants suggested that he do a bunch of degrading shit to prove his worth to the show, with Ben suggesting that he shave off all his hair to remain on the rest of the podcast, which Egghead refused at first but later claimed he would take up the offer. Ben later claimed that he would book Egghead on the show for a week if he smashed a carton of eggs onto his head, which he eventually took up in a video he posted a day later, with his girlfriend there to smash his head with two full cartons of yolky goodness. When they realized that Egghead had no immediate entertainment value to the show, they booted him off in hopes he would produce something of merit. Egghead still plans to take up the second challenge of shaving his entire body.
Egghead was prominently mentioned during episode 267 and episode 268 to coincide with the recent guest appearance of Rybi Jenkins. The peasants poked fun at him for being a salty motherfucker when he claimed that she took his Patreon guest-slot. The peasants later mentioned the unrelated subscriber error he had on his channel. Scotty couldn't help but crack a smile at his misfortune and broke into a nasally cackle, with the peasants pointing out it makes zero sense for someone to net a thousands subscribers at once. Rybi, being too cool upbeat of a person to care, gave zero fucks and is still good friends with Egghead. His rage indirectly landed her a weekly position on the show reading the Crazy Craigslist Ads for a while. These days, Egghead actually serves as her editor and spends a ton of time in her Discord server for reasons.
The DP subreddit absolutely hates Egghead, as he is well aware and often notes on the show. Following one of Egghead's stellar appearances, subreddit posts can always be find taking a shit on him, especially when he complains about them making fun of him on the show.During and after any show Egghead is on, the subreddit becomes full of posts by people claiming to hate Egghead. Some even calling for the death of Egghead, normally by hanging or burning at the stake.
X-WING!— Egghead while on DP.
At least I didn't fucking cry!— The most hilarious Egghead quote looking back.
We've all got problems. I mean I was born with an egg shaped head.— -Cringe-
Mid-90's fucking Kevin Nash... fuck you!
Please leave a message after the beep... also Fireball Z!— Egghead being a mem machine on episode 215.
Goddammit!— Egghead channeling the feelings of other fan's when he appears.
It turns out that Rey is trans and she will have a mechanical dick.— Egghead's take on Star Wars. 
Quotes on Egghead
Back when we were in college, we were the best of friends. We went our separate ways and I forgot what he was about.. but then.
I found out at some point, that his life hit the skids. Now he's dating a butter troll that slaps up on some kids.
What happened to Egghead?— Paul's song about Egghead.
I'm going to jerk off on your corpse.
We could lift up a whole X-wing!— PaulsEgo on episode 255
Da Final Jesus! I am Egghead and I really suck! I am Egghead, please shoot my in my head, until I'm deaaaad ♪— TJ's impression of Egghead to the tune of Brett Keane's theme song.
- Scotty: The Egghead Show!
- Ben: The Egghead SHOW!
- TJ: Duh, THE EGGHEAD SHOW
- Scotty: The TJ and EGGHEAD Show!
- TJ: Uh, no.— The peasants during episode 268.
Egghead, you're the star of our new segment, Cringe Corner! Whoever goes the longest without cringing at Egghead wins!— TJ's nigh-impossible challenge for audience.
Release the yolk upon the peasants!— PaulsEgo's impression of Egghead turning to the dark side.
- He was tapped on the head as a kid.
- Scotty believes all his subscribers are from pity.
- He formerly went by Crazypayne93.
- TJ and Paul have both been on THE EGGHEAD SHOW! TJ was extremely uncomfortable and left as soon as he can, leaving Paul to deal with Egghead.
- Galen has compared his fans to a rotten egg carton.
- TJ compared him to Windows 10, something nobody asked for.
- He's made some appearances on The Pimpmunk Show.
- During episode 215, Egghead attempted to steal Ben's soundboard gimmick.
- This article has been featured twice during the Information Segment on Episode 255 and Episode 260.
- He suggested a shirt about himself, but TJ said it was garbage.
- He does an alright No Troo Scotsman, but it's still pretty cringe.
- Rumor has it that he enjoys hentai. This is not a rumor.
- Egghead is the kind of dude who tries to hit the bong, but just ends up coughing back into it and blows water into the weed.
- Egghead offered a proposal that he would shove a hot pepper down his narrow urethra if he hit 1,000 subscribers by the end of August.
- It is not known exactly which type of egg Egghead's head is made of. It cannot be a human egg, as those come far too close to vagina than anything associated with the Drunken Peasants ever could be. TJ claims he is a shit egg,
- He has asked TJ to claim his virginity.
- Fancy Badger was the first guest on The Egghead Show Live. Fancy Badger has described it as the worst decision of his career, even worse than Carlton Banks.
- Paul expressed his grievances with Egghead on Periscope.
- On June 24 2015's episode, Egghead asks the peasants what they will do on their summer vacation. Scotty responds with "SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK & ROLL!".
- Egghead once asked if the peasants believe there would ever be world peace, with the second question regarding if TJ would fuck a banana with hot sauce on it, the peasants said no to both questions.
- Egghead has said he wants to do Star Wars roleplay with his fiancee, eggtits, however, she refuses to do it.
- Even Brett Keane has taken shots at him.
- Egghead was shown at the beginning of Episode 271 getting slapped by his sister. iMustDestroyAll, a fucking terrible YouTuber, kept interrupting and thus we could not see him get slapped the first time, THANKS, ASSHOLE. Other than that hiccup, Egghead being slapped over and over was a sight to behold.
- During episode 300, it was mentioned he shared a name with the original concept for Elmer Fudd.
- Episode 41 (Q&A)
- Episode 44 (Q&A)
- Episode 58 (Q&A)
- Episode 215
- Episode 230
- Episode 242
- Episode 255
- Episode 260
- Episode 271
- Episode 274
- Episode 275
- Episode 300 (mentioned)