|A True American Hero™|
|He's coming for you dirty, poor Mexicans!|
June 14, 1946
New York City
The secret Trump Cave located under Trump Tower.
Chemically-Polluted Ocean Blue
"You're fired!"— Trump's catchphrase.
God-Emperor Donald J. "Living Meme" Trump known to the elitist left as Literally Hitler is a conservative American business mogul, television personality, real life meme, and the 45th president of the United States. TJ Kirk has appropriately described his political speeches as akin to a standup comedy routine. Unsurprisingly, the Republican Party is divided on their opinion of him because he doesn't even know how to get a bill passed and he frequently makes a mockery of their party with his various antics and fuck-ups."We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore!"— One of the few decent quotes from Trump during his nomination speech.
While inexperienced in politics, he was a better choice than Lyin' Ted or arguably Crooked Shillary (who he beat the shit out of in the Republican primaries and later bested in the general election, respectively). He was destined to do battle with Bernie Sanders in the election, though the DNC had already molded Clinton to be their finger puppet. Nobody expected him to win at all, but in the end he grabbed America by the pussy. After becoming President-elect, he already began to backpeddle on some shit including the yuge' WALL and fully repealing Obamacare. However, despite insisting that he would "drain the swamp" of Washington D.C., all he has so far done is name a bunch of ass-kissing establishment cronies to join his cabinet.
- 1 Description
- 2 2016 Presidential Election
- 3 Trump's Presidency
- 4 On Drunken Peasants
- 5 In A Nutshell
- 6 Quotes
- 7 Quotes About Trump
- 8 Trivia
- 9 Gallery
- 10 Mems
- 11 References
"We're gonna make our country great again!"— Donald Trump with the vocabulary of a toddler.
Although he is a billionaire, he inherited most of his shit (including the position in his company) and was spoon-fed enough money that it would be impossible for anyone to not have some success in business. He built his empire from a "humble" life in Brooklyn, after his own father gave him "a small loan of one million dollars". In short: he's a spoiled overgrown crusty child with a gigantic ego. Regardless of what you think of him, Trump can't stand political correctness and is entertaining to watch, which are his only likable traits. Though, the joke of him running for president is no longer so entertaining when he is placed against a moldy cunt like Clinton.Trump sways the American public by validly pointing out that, through the power of his hair, anything, including all good hairdos, sensible judgment, and Newton's laws of gravity, can be defied. Trump's campaign is being run under the guise of being against the establishment cronies in the Democratic Party, but those more cynical types will realize that he and Clinton aren't really that different in terms of policy, with the main difference being that Trump isn't afraid to speak his mind in public and tends not to conform to the social norms of the average politician. His role as an outsider of the political scene has somehow caused this rich fuck to be seen as a healthy representation of the common man.
2016 Presidential Election
Main article: 2016 Presidential Election
Trump gained a ton of momentum early in the election amidst a crowd of bland establishment puppets shilled out by the GOP, with his only serious contender during the entire primary process being android-cocaine hybrid Ted Cruz, although Cruz held a stronger base in evangelicals, Trump's perception of being a very anti-establishment candidate gained him grassroots support comparable to Bernie Sanders, although unlike Sanders he managed to annihilate Cruz in the polls despite the establishment trying to bite him at every corner. More recently, his rivalry with Clinton has heated up and resorted to grade-school level shit-flinging on social media, with degenerate humor that you would sooner expect from an article on the DP Wiki.
On September 17th, 2016 TJ made a video in support of Trump. He told people if they were obligate to vote for Clinton or Trump, then they should vote for Trump, due to his accomplishments of destroying the establishment Right and getting conservatives to lighten up on LGBT issues. However the video was disliked among several of his more PC viewers.
Despite everyone on the mainstream predicting Hillary will win the election it was the right who had the last laugh, as Trump won the general election with 276 electoral votes and winning swing states like Ohio, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. The entire news media were having a fucking heart attack over these results that they didn't dream would happen. TYT was having a meltdown, Steve Shives and Laci Green said blatantly racist shit about white people, and several Hillary supporters bursted into tears that their precious woman didn't get in the office. Several riots and protests were held, but that didn't stop Trump from grabbing America by the pussy.
After grabbing America by the pussy Trump flew to Obama's house where he had the most awkward conversation in history as Obama had to face the reality that his boasting of his massa winning and Trump losing lead to an embarrassing defeat for the guy. Following that Trump decided to double down on some of the issues and move more to the center on his political issues. He unfortunately realized he couldn't do jack shit without the establishment and decided to pick some of the most corporate politicians into his cabinet. After that he changed his position on climate change saying it "might have some correlation with humans". He then condemned several white-supremacists groups like the alt-right.
Trump finally became president on January 20th, 2017. The world watched in surreal cringe as we appointed an egotistic orangutan to be the leader of free world. With no shortage of reference to gawd and a shit ton of American nationalism, Trump finally became God-Emperor of the United States and the first meme president. How he will act with his new found power is currently unknown, but based on his cabinet appointees, it's not looking too good.
Starting World War III
On April 6, 2017 Trump decided to go full neocon by flip flopping on Syria after a gas attack by Assad, essentially starting Iraq 2.0 except this time ISIS already exists and Russia is allies with them, truly a great idea that won't waste countless lives, piss off the only country with more nukes than the US, and allow for ISIS to control Syria when all's said and done. No sir, Trump's actually just playing 9-dimensional Sudoku and will drain the swamp anyway now. He knows what he's doing and isn't being manipulated by the neocons in his cabinet at all.
On Drunken Peasants
"Trump just grabbed America by the pussy, guys!"— TJ Kirk
Being a now prominent figure in the political scene and a massive source of comedy, stories involving him are often featured on DP Action News. Trump has been played even more as his race against Hillary Clinton heats up for president United States, now that the two are the official nominees and have selected VPs. Many Drunken Peasants also episodes have "Trump" in the title, likely because him articulating a political point is comparable to watching an angry orangutan.
TJ and Scotty started a $500 bet riding on who they think will win between Trump and Hillary. Scotty put his money on Clinton, TJ put his money on Trump. Paul tried to spice up the bet with his own "Pageboy TJ" wager during episode 242, but it was declined by TJ. If Trump won then Paul would have to get a pink Mohawk, but if Hillary won then TJ would have to return to his old bowl-cut days.
The peasants played a series of Trump videos during episode 210. The first of which involved Marco Rubio stooping down to Trump's level of shit-flinging by trying to imply that Trump's comments about his short stature are compensating for a tiny cock. The peasants lavished in how savage the GOP debates were growing as the other candidates resort to using Trump's own tactics against him. They played another video where he was forced to disavow white-supremacist David Duke, who endorsed him earlier that year. Despite having openly dismissed his support, the news media seemed content on making Trump seem like a racist at every turn. TJ then recalled an incident in which Trump backpedaled his stance on minimum wage, becoming in favor of raising it to fall in line with most of his voter-base.
The third video was an interview with Lyin' Ted Cruz, who claimed that Trump was incapable of beating Hillary in the general election, as if anyone would rather vote for a slimeball like himself. During the interview Cruz said that he will have to end up supporting the Republican nominee regardless of who it is, though he thinks putting forward Trump would be "a grave mistake" for the GOP. TJ predicts that Cruz will eventually flip the script and wash Trump's balls just like Chris Krispie when faced with a potential Clinton presidency. At this time, TJ claims that he thinks Trump would have a difficult time besting Hillary in the election, saying he appeals to "a fringe part of society". The final video was Trump telling some incoherent story told as if everyone around him was a toddler, naming a bunch of famous generals, and bullets dipped in the blood of pigs. TJ described Trump's idea as pretty fucking metal.
The GOP Schism
During episode 212, a clip was played of Trump addressing Marco Rubio's accusations that he had a tiny cock and Trump confirmed that the American public had nothing to worry about, as he himself has a monster dong. The GOP was making such a deal about penis size that Paul compared it to a literal dick-measuring contest, with TJ suggesting whoever has the biggest cock should be given the nomination. The video concluded with a beautiful montage of shit-slinging from all the candidates.
The peasants later played a video of Trump and Romney getting into an argument with each other. The video was essentially spliced together clips, easily made being that that were both once supporters of one another and are now on completely different sides of the Republican party. In 2016, Romney describes Trump as a con-artist, while Trump thinks Romney is a failure of a candidate. Meanwhile, 2012 Trump describes Mitt as tough, sharp, and smart, while 2012 Romney claimed that Trump has a "phenomenal idea" of how the economy works. If only there was a candidate with some consistency.
Pat Robertson Interview
During episode 264, the peasants featured a video of man-ape Pat Robertson giving Trump a classic example of a softball interview, essentially massaging his balls the entire video. When Robertson asked Trump his opinion of Mexicans and Hispanics, Trump said that he loved them and wants a safer America for legal immigrants. Strangely, Trump mentions that Romney should have won four years ago despite having a beef with him during the election cycle (as seen during episode 212), though TJ speculates it to be more of a subtle jab at Romney. TJ later mentioned that Romney has suggested funding Gary Johnson's campaign for president, but it could be a fucking conspiracy for all he knows.
TJ gets the Last Laugh
On episode 295 the drunken peasants did a live coverage of the general election. At first all four peasants thought Trump had no chance, but Trump kept creeping and creeping in the swing states. After a nail-biting 7 hours Trump finally was decided to be the president of the United States, causing Scotty to have giant shit-fit on camera and pay TJ the $1000 everyone projected TJ would lose. Even Paul and Ben were amazed at how Trump won the election when the polls had him at a 1.6-10% chance of winning.
In A Nutshell
"This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton; death, destruction, terrorism, and weakness."— Trump throws some shade during his nomination speech.
"Part of the beauty of me is that I'm very rich."— Trump stays humble.
"All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."— No arrogant quote exists in the history of Trump.
"Every time you walk down the street people are screaming, 'You're fired!"— Trump describes his ideal America.
"Obama does not like the issue of where he was born."
"A lot of people feel very good about Mitt Romney and I think he's going to do a great job."— Trump says something that bites him in the ass next election cycle.
"People might not think that, but the Republicans have all of the cards. And this is the time to get rid of Obamacare. This is the time to make the great deal."— Trump being a real Republican. Promise.
"I love the poorly educated!"
Quotes About Trump
"Trump in the house! Trump in the White House!"
"As the great Donald Trump said, 'You're fired!"."— Scotty on Drunken Peasants.
"Now it's time to show you my Trump card..."
"The vast majority of his ideas are bad... but at least they're ideas!"
- Ben was once offered to join a Donald Trump university.
- Trump has been interviewed by Alex Jones.
- He has been endorsed by the North Korean government. I guess Kim Jong Un knows a fellow authoritarian when he sees one.
- He hates John McCain, but loves war heroes.
- He has doxed Lindsey Graham.  He in turn was doxed as well.
- He likes to sue people when he gets the chance. He once sued Bill Maher over being called an orangutan.
- He loves golf and as a result has made the entirety of Scotland his backyard, he has also made terrible political analogies based off of it.
- Brett Keane supports him. That's all you need to know.
- You're fired.
- He claims to have never done drugs before, including drinking alcohol.
- Many of Ted Cruz's own supporters claim they'll never vote for Trump and Cruz himself had refused to endorse Trump even following his failed attempt at a contested convention.
- During episode 290, the peasants played a clip of Trump where he expressed interest in Joe Biden fucking his ass behind a gym.