Christianity

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Christianity
Cross-FS.jpg
Details
Type

Belief

Conception of deities

Monotheism

Type of religion

Abrahamic religion

Origin religion

Judaism

Founder

Jesus Christ

Leader
Date of Foundation

January 1, 1 A.D.

Religious text

Bible

Beliefs

Fuck 'em faggots.

Denominations
  • Catholicism
  • Protestantism
  • Eastern Orthodoxy
  • Oriental Orthodoxy
  • Anglicanism
  • Mormonism
  • Jehovah's Witnesses
  • Church of the East
Number of Adherents

2 billion

Demonym

Con Artist

"
First they came for the cake makers, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a cake maker. Then they came for the florists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a florist. Then they came for the court clerks, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a court clerk. Then they came for me— and there was no one left to speak for me.
"
— A Christian poem about Obama's America.

Christianity is a religion that is very popular for completely arbitrary reasons. It primarily revolves around worshiping some Jewish carpenter in a dress. Christianity is dedicated to upholding moral values and treating all people fairly. Totally unlike that toxic religion of atheism, which would have you believe you're related to a banana and leaves you without purpose. Some of the people featured on Drunken Peasants are former Christians, including Ben and Dusty Smith, as a result it has been an occasional topic of ridicule on the show, most prominently during the religion debates in the show's early days.

History

Like Islam and Judaism, it originated in the Middle East. Christianity is followed by dumbasses all over the world. Christianity was founded by Jesus Christ in the first year, shortly after God created everything in the world before impregnating Virgin Mary. While living, Jesus preached the news of God and converted almost every person in Jerusalem to Christianity. Eventually they all turned on him so that his book's juicy plotlines could continue. Some say that the Romans had him killed because martyrs make religions that much more popular, though most people knew it was to extend their fanficion.

The continuous persecution of Christians in America is an ongoing process of Christians losing their ability to discriminate against certain minorities. Starting in the 1960s when the Civil Rights Movement allowed ethnic minorities to have the same rights as white people within America. This meant that Christian (along with every other) businesses would be unable to deny people service based upon their race.

Similar laws were passed around the time which enabled women the same rights as men (or at least the good ones). This meant that Christians could also not discriminate against people based upon their sex. The final nail in the coffin came in the summer of 2015, when the Supreme Court legalized homosexual marriage. The militant homo fascists are at this very moment preparing a United assault on good, clean Christian America with all the women and darkies.

The Bible

The Bible is a fantasy novel that takes its content way too seriously. It's split in to two sections: the Old and New Testament. Creationist Cat plans on authoring a third section the Bible that will include parts omitted from the previous versions, including how it's aye-okay with Jesus to fuck cats. The most noteworthy knock-off of the Bible is the Quran, which is basically the Mr. Pibb of Abrahamic religions.

The Bible contains a bunch of violence, incest, sexism, talking animals and witchcraft. You could find better morality from the back of a cereal box than the pages of this tome, although it does make very good cigarette paper. The Bible is often used to justify slavery and the murder of brown people and other things that are bad. Modern Christians like to justify terrible acts in the Bible by denying them.

Types of Christians

Moderate Christians

Moderate Christiansare Christians who realize that the Bible is complete dogshit, but try to justify their beliefs by saying that the Bible is an allegory without showing us how it is allegorical in nature. They also are dumb enough to believe in the conformist Satanic worldview of evolution.

Fundamentalist Christians

"
If somewhere within the Bible, I were to find a passage that said 2 + 2 = 5, I wouldn't question what I'm reading in the Bible. I would believe it, accept it as true
"
— Some Christian Fundie from a tv show called Questioning Darwin.
The average Fundamentalist Christian

Fundamentalist Christians are those who apply strict literalism to the Bible (see Young Earth Creationism), and to the Christian dogmas and ideologies. They place a strong importance on maintaining ingroup and outgroup distinctions, leading to an emphasis on purity. You often hear from them referring to moderate Christians and to other Christian denominations as "not true Christians" or "lukewarm Christians", so they often violate the No True Scotsman logical fallacy. Fundamentalist Christians tend to live in an echo-chamber. Anything that is not of the Bible, God or Jesus is considered evil, ungodly, satanic and usually result in them yelling, crying, bitching and moaning "Persecution!" (when it is THEM that are doing the persecuting).

Fundamentalist Christians mentally abuse and indoctrinate their children. They force them into the church, Sunday school and send them into Christian camps, also known as Jesus Camps, which are specialized indoctrination camps. In most cases if a child refuses to adhere to strict fundamentalism, or want to convert to an other religion, or confesses the he/she doesn't believe in God anymore, results in the parents disowning their child. Fundamentalist Christians refuse to accept most things from established science such as Evolution, Big Bang, and Climate Change. Sometimes they even refuse to accept scientific medicine(e.g. Christian Science).

Most them believe in one conspiracy theory or an other, or multiple conspiracy theories. These conspiracy theories usually include Freemason/Illuminati/New World Order/Jewish conspiracy theories, Chemtrail conspiracy theories, Anti-Christ conspiracy theories(e.g. Obama is the Anti-Christ conspiracy theory), Evolution conspiracy theories(e.g. All scientists are trying to foist the false theory of evolution on the public at the behest of Satan.), conspiracy theories regarding Climate Change, UFO conspiracy theories(They usually mix these with Christian mythology. e.g. They claim that the extraterrestrial aliens are fallen angels or demons.), 9/11 conspiracy theories, or that liberals are in a grant conspiracy to destroy Christian values by forcing their kids to watch MTV and listen to Snoop Dogg.

Most Fundamentalists Christians tend to be Protestant, more specifically Evangelical, but you can also find them within other denominations.

Fundamentalist Christians in Africa
Fundamentalist Christians in the west
Yep

Major Christian Denominations

Catholicism

Catholicism is a denomination of Christianity an Illuminati tool that contributes to the erosion of Christianity. Smart, sane people like The Vigilant Christian and G Man have exposed Catholicism for what it really is: Satanism in disguise. Their reasoning is that it some verse in the Bible says to not worship statues or some shit, even though Catholics are rather using them as a symbol of the religious figure and not literally worshiping the statue. Catholics are led by the Catholic Church which is in full communion with the Holy See.

The Catholic Church is led entirely by pedophiles, the most prolific of whom is the Pope. Just like most Christian denominations Catholics believe that there is only one God, who is three-in-one (Trinity): Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And that Jesus is God the Son in human flesh. But unlike most Christians, Catholics believe that our acceptance by God depend partly on the life that we've lived.  If we’re not good enough, we won’t make it to Heaven. They also believe that God speaks through the teachings of the Catholic church and the Pope.

Unlike Protestants, Catholics do not consider the Bible to be the sole source of religious truth. To Catholics, the Bible is just one part of "Sacred Tradition" and cannot be interpreted outside of the Church's teaching. As a result, arguments based on Biblical contradictions are less challenging to Catholics than to Protestants. Catholics don't expect the Bible to make sense to an individual intellectually examining it outside the Church. The Roman Catholic Church accepts the Big Bang cosmological model and a fair amount of science.

The Church also accepts biological evolution, and teach evolution in it's schools. Roman Catholics however are required to believe in a literal Adam and Eve who were the universal parents of all mankind and Roman Catholics must believe in original sin, but when evolution is introduced in the story it gets confusing. However some Roman Catholics have been rejecting the "Adam and Eve" myth. Like most Christians, they believe that they are the only universal valid faith; naturally, other Christians disagree.

Church of Gail

Main Article: Gail Chord Schuler

A religious sect comprised mostly of b-list celebrities and Vladimir Putin dedicated to the worship of it's founder, Gail, who regularly communicates with Jesus Christ via Skype.

Protestantism

Martin Luther, the guy who started the Protestant reformation movement

Protestantism was started by Martin Luther (Who vehemently hated the Jews and wanted them to be exterminated.) with his Ninety-Five Theses in 1517. The term "protestant," derived from the French for "protesting", and it refers to that the Bible alone, and not the statements of church leaders, is the only source of doctrine. Just like most Christian denominations Protestants believe that there is only one God, who is three-in-one (Trinity): Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And that Jesus is God the Son in human flesh. Protestants believe that if someone has faith in Jesus and accept him as their Lord and Saviour then they are made totally acceptable to God. Unlike the Catholics, they believe this happens "apart from works". In other words, it doesn't depend on how good a life we live but only on our trust in Jesus. If we follow Jesus, we are guaranteed a place in Heaven when we die. Protestants also believe that it’s in the Bible that God directly speaks to us to tell us about himself and how he wants us to live, and not through religious figures. Protestantism encompasses numerous other denominations, including Lutheran and German/Swiss/Dutch Calvinists, Presbyterian(originally primarily Scottish Calvinists), Continental Anabaptist (various Mennonite - contested origins), British Separatist/Dissenter (Congregationalist, various Baptist groups (loosely related to the Southern Baptist Convention, American Baptist Churches of the USA), Quaker, Unitarian, British Anabaptist), and Methodist. Protestantism can be loosely divided into two categories: traditional mainline denominations, and evangelical denominations.

Mormonism

The Book of Mormon has gained an obsessive cult following by a Christian denomination called Latter Day Saints (in short LSD LDS), who are also known as Mormons. Some Mormons have been roasted on Drunken Peasants, including Glenn Beck. Mormons believe it is another testament of Jesus and contains writings of ancient prophets who lived on the American continent a long time ago. So in a nutshell it is another bullshit fairy tale.

It was written by Joseph Smith who was a well known con-artist, but retards believe him anyway. He claims to have seen an angel who told him where these "plates" were buried so that he could dig them up and translate them from some unspeakable Hebrew dialect into what would become the Book of Moron... so basically bullshit. The Book of Moron also claims Africans were cursed with black skin by God for being neutral in the war between Satan and Jesus. The Indians were also cursed with red skin because they were against God too. The only reason they don't still believe this is because the US government threatened to look at their financial records.

Trivia

  • This is all true.
  • God dun' did it
  • Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus.
  • You're going to hell.
  • Turn or burn.
  • Its adherents seem to be perfectly ok with recognizing the harm other religions (like Islam) yet are inept at seeing the flaws of their own.
  • The Christian God loves you, but if you don't constantly suck his dick he will burn you for eternity.
  • There's a reason why the atheists fear the banana but one atheist learned to love that yellow piece of fruit.
  • Christianity is the superior religion.
  • All the cool kids love Jesus.

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