Bible

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The Bible
Because the Bible tells me so.
Because the Bible tells me so.
Details
Author

God

Illustrator

Jack Chick

Published

2000 BC

Publisher

Jesus Christ

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Torah

Quran

The Bible is a fantasy novel that takes its content way too seriously. It's split in to two sections: the Old and New Testament. Creationist Cat plans on authoring a third section the Bible that will include parts omitted from the previous versions, including how it's aye-okay with Jesus to fuck cats.

The most noteworthy knock-off of the Bible is the Quran, which is basically the Mr. Pib of Abrahamic religions.

Description

The Bible contains a bunch of violence, incest, sexism, talking animals and witchcraft. You could find better morality from the back of a cereal box than the pages of this tome, though, it does make very good cigarette paper. The Bible is often used to justify slavery and the murder of brown people and other things that are bad. Modern Christians like to justify terrible acts in the Bible by denying them.

Character Comparisons

Knock-Offs

The Book of Mormon

The Book of Mormon is Bible that has gained an obsessive cult following by a Christian denomination called Latter Day Saints (in short LSD LDS), who are also known as Mormons. Some Mormons have been roasted on Drunken Peasants, including Glenn Beck. Mormons believe it is another testament of Jesus and contains writings of ancient prophets who lived on the American continent a long time ago. So in a nutshell it is another bullshit fairy tale.

It was written by Joseph Smith who was a well known con-artist, but retards believe him anyway. He claims to have seen an angel who told him where these "plates" were buried so that he could dig them up and translate them from some unspeakable Hebrew dialect into what would become the Book of Moron... so basically bullshit.

The Book of Moron also claims Africans were cursed with black skin by God for being neutral in the war between Satan and Jesus. The Indians were also cursed with red skin because they were against God too. The only reason they don't still believe this is because the US government threatened to look at their financial records.

Verses From Da Bizzy

Don't fuck butts.

— Psalm 143:10

Dow shall not do drugs!

— Da Bible, somewhere in Leviticus or something[1]

Trivia

  • There's a hidden verse of Moses twerking.

Gallery

References

  1. https://youtu.be/Ogdmf0g86-o?t=44s